Just last year, a blinding light was shed on my life, revealing the sins that I had tried to keep in darkness for so long.  I was confronted with the ugly truth that even though I had spoken that sinner’s prayer all those years before, I had since fallen from grace.  I had deliberately kept on sinning, even though I had received the knowledge of the truth (Heb. 10:26).  My faith was dead.  This realization catapulted me into a whole new world that I had never seen before.  The light that was shed on my life now lit up the world around me, revealing sins and lies that I had never noticed before, or had become desensitized to.  It was heartbreaking and frustrating.  Why couldn’t everyone else see what I was seeing?  Why couldn’t everyone else see that we had cast God’s plan out the window to pursue our own selfish ambitions?  Why couldn’t they see that they weren’t doing nearly enough to ensure their children’s salvation?  And why couldn’t they see that what they were doing was all wrong!  Couldn’t they see that if we followed God’s design, our lives would be transformed!  Surely my fellow Christians needed a swift awakening, a slap in the face with the reality of what their worldly methods would do to their children, and God’s Kingdom!  I began passionately talking about my newfound truth with whoever would listen.  I was easily frustrated and angered by the seemingly inescapable Biblical contradiction all around me, especially in the teachings of our ‘modern’ churches.  I was surrounded by Christian families who were tossing God’s design out the window and creating one that better ‘suited’ them.  The things that I saw began to affect me in such a way that it became difficult to talk about anything else.  I was overwhelmed with emotions…

Then, recently, I began to be accused of being radical, judgmental, and legalistic.  I was seen as presenting myself as ‘holier than thou’, the picture of perfection.  I didn’t understand…  Couldn’t they see my genuine concern for them and my passion for God’s truth?  Didn’t they know that I was a struggling sinner, undeserving of His love and His mercy…a simple sinner who longed to please God and glorify His name? 

Even though I was deeply hurt by the accusations and false testimonies made against me, I forced myself to consider each charge against me, to see if there was any validity to it.  After careful consideration, I did begin to realize that I was trying to spread the truth by displaying ‘passion’ (a.k.a. anger and frustration) about what is wrong with the world around me.  By endlessly ranting about what we are all doing wrong, even without pointing fingers, I was doing the very thing that I disagreed with most about modern Christian culture, just on the opposite side of the spectrum.  There is not a cookie-cutter, one size fits all, way to lead someone to repentance.  What worked for me wasn’t necessarily going to have the same affect on someone else.  I cannot reach everyone on a large scale with a message meant for just one.  God created us to be special and unique, and I need to take into consideration a person’s uniqueness when speaking with them about such issues.  I don’t want to be hindering God’s work by doing things my way, rather than His way.  I need to take my thoughts captive and not let myself be driven by my sinful nature (which results in feelings and expressions of frustration and anger), but by the Holy Spirit (which produces the fruit of love, kindness, and gentleness).  What’s worse is that my children look to me as an example, and they were often witnessing the sorrow and frustration, rather than the love and kindness.  I disagree with much of what is deemed acceptable in today’s society, but my constant (and sometimes obnoxious) show of disapproval is not changing anything! 

Regardless of whether or not the accusations that I had received were with ill intention or made out of love, I am so grateful that God can use everything for the good.  I pray that I continue to allow others to point out my sins and my character flaws.  My desire is to continue to grow and to learn, not to be “right”.  I pray that I will choose to learn from every situation and toss my pride aside in order to grow.

My sins and struggles that I am aware of and am in need of prayer for…

Gossiping, judging, anger, anxiety, selfishness, laziness, lack of submission to my husband, lack of patience, and falling tremendously short in my surrender to God’s control and his will for my life.

Thank you all so much for your support and your prayers.